i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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