Your face is a jimmy john
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well I just put wine in my tea
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
