Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
