There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
