dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
