just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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