something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
