I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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