Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
