No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
