i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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