Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We were destined to go to rehab together
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
