The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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