So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
