If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
