im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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