he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
