Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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