My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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