im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize