Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
