The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
