So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
