sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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