last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
