I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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