you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
