Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
