I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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