I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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