I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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