I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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