so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
