Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
