K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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