You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
