matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
