Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
