Your dad touched me again.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
