I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize