I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
