I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my liver is dry heaving
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
