My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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