i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
