she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
