ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
