Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
