how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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