woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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