as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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