The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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