i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
