i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
