you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
