Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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