I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
