from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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