I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
