The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
