I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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