Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
